I'm losing myself;
Year on year, my body slowly deteriorates. Now I'm left to contemplate my slowly falling weight, probable issues with my liver, my blood more widely. These things came to mind, as I struggled through dizziness to walk to the hospital late last night, confounded by my first asthma attack.
Like General Patton, I have always visualized my final, desperate struggle - expelling all my energy and worth toward one last moment when I would surely die. But I've also visualized my psychological capitulation being manifested by bodily decline -
And I'm wondering what is causing this.. Is it my constant tension, my explosive anger in private moments, my frustration at this malevolent world we share? Is it my futile attempts to please my family, who clearly have no respect for me? My sisters deride me endlessly, they align against me even when my anger is justified. And my father, driven by his internal desire never to be supplanted by his son, never knowing what it is like to have a father, joins with them. His measure of praise has always been carefully outweighed by his overt disgust at my existence.
I cannot compete with family. I cannot tolerate my family any longer - no self-respecting man should ever tolerate this shit, especially from sisters.
But I've never known how to deal with them, and my anger always engulfs me.
For an eternity, I have conversed with women from an emotional distance even their keen senses cannot know. I have real compassion - even for the doctor who tried in vain to place the needles into my wrist arteries. It only took a second for me to be lost in her eyes whenever she looked up at me, and in that same second something I no longer recognise pulled me away.
I can't do it anymore.
All that survives, the only thing real in here, is me. I have an opportunity to establish a powerful career, and to put it crudely, purchase the bare essentials that will keep me content in life. I will have the opportunity to raise a family, of my blood and adopted children, with an understanding woman who knows reciprocity. My legacy will bury my father's flaws, and my flaws, under a foundation of real happiness and unconditional love.
And I dream that my children will better me in every conceivable way.
Even when my relationships crumble, and my mind spells 'no more'.