I find myself, asking myself, who these people are in my dreams? I have these dreams, I can't begin to remember, but I should remember the people. Some faces in these dreams are a random collage of my past
- but who are the others?
And why do I suffer these other dreams; vivid, violently vivid, explicit sexual dreams? All these other dreams end in a long, drawn-out ejaculation. And then I wake. Another pair of drenched pants. What a strange phenomenon a wet-dream is, why do I suffer them now? Is my body intoxicated by dormant Testosterone?
Isn't it strange, when I ejaculate awake, I am always filled with... Not anger, as such, but the feeling of anger, some kind of tidal rage. When I suffer those other dreams, I always awake confused.
Do these two emotions define most of what I am? Anger, and confusion? You're damn right right I'm angry. I'm angry at certain things always, usually trivial things like when I was young. But Abortion angers me, more than I can describe. It angers me that people overrule their 'values' so readily with lies that suit them. That an unborn child is not a 'legal person', that an unborn child has no human rights. But everything is how you choose to perceive it. It's hard to find the truth amongst angry people, and it's easy to say my Mother is at peace, and it's easy to say that almost all girls, in this era, are explicitly not worth my time, because they are tainted.
The only thing I recognise in myself anymore is a desire to do what is right, regardless of the Truth. Would they characterize me something of a social-conservative - or a facist - when I cry out against One Hundred and Ninety Thousand women in Two Thousand and Eleven alone, in this country, who underwent apparently lawful murder of their unborn children? Even though Abortion is a criminal offence, even though women have no 'right' to Abortion?
Does my stance against a world changing so fast the progress is untenable, really mean anything? I used to hope I could save this world, and now I find myself resisting every changing social norm, every immoral evolution.
I'm weary. So weary, not unhappy. I told my Mother four years ago that the world was moving by without me. I never have felt my place, in this World, in this Time. I will never abandon Zen Te Kai though, and maybe they don't need to know me. But I used to want certain things for myself, you understand. I think, since my Mother 'found her peace', I have wanted nothing for myself. I see the benefit of friends, acquaintances, but I don't really want any. I see, I know, the benefit of a woman, but their ways these days make me cringe, and I want no-one.
I transgress these streets that are not my home. Earphones in, eyes diverted. Sporting long-coats nowadays, some things do change. I go to the Library, my classes, and I am beginning to learn the Law, and I think it is honorable to. I will strive to help the weak, and the hurt, as I can. I will arm myself with this Infinite Law, because I do care, in spite of everything I have lost. It's strange to think, that the object of this Journal was to find self-fulfillment, to obtain absolute clarity of self, and now I know nothing to say of myself.
I have succeeded, or I have failed. Being alive means there is no difference between the two.
I understand the Truth is not always proportionate to the actions necessary to do what is right. The two are rarely compatible. The Law criminalizes the likes of Abortion, and does nothing to enforce the Right to Life...
What do I want? Something I've never lusted for, but have always known is necessary to put weak laws right, and put an end to as much bullshit as I can. Because there is no bullshit in me any longer.
I want that relationship with people where I do not always have to interact with them, daily, or by accident. I want to be able to intervene in their lives, shared or isolated, when I know I can do something good for them.
I want the power to change their lives. God knows, only I could use, and not be abused by this.